This is not a love post.
It's not really even a hate post.
It's an akward post(?).
I'm realising my roommates friends aren't as nice or cool as I originally thought, in fact some of the males are just down right mean.
I was studying with one of them and it was just akward. and tense.
when he left I felt much better

I'm in the library and should be studying for biology.

I feel so alone
I don't feel like I have a lot of close friends....
Idk, i feel like shit, like a bitch.
I think I lost amanda as a friend.... and christina.... idk.... It sucks to even think about.
And it feels like keeping a relationship with them is too hard, it's just seems like a hastle, and it feels like it's already broken.


apparently my problem is that I don't let people get to know me, or i fuck up whatever relationship i'm in.

this is going to sound bitchy:
but maybe they weren't good for me either. Maybe I deserve friends that aren't going to make me feel like shit all the time.

This is killing me!!! I want a ciggerett so bad!!!! this is killing me more than smoking EVER COULD!!!!!

i'm really tired and need to start studying again for biology, i only have one more chapter, then need to review each chapter again a bit before bed.

I made the mistake of looking at pictures of them, all happy, it makes me sad... because... idk... i almost want them to be together just so he can be happy... but at the same time i want to be greedy and have him all for myself when i don't even have him. ridiculous. he has a quote about them when they were together:

"The great thing about her is when you look in her eyes, and she's looking back in yours, everything feels not quite normal, because you feel stronger, and weaker at the same time. You feel excited, and at the same time, terrified. The truth is you don't know what you feel, except you know what kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable, and you weren't ready for it."

^isn't that So sweet? makes me want to kick someones ass lol.
Idk... i don't think I'm woman enough to make anyone feel like that, or atleast when i think about how people feel when they like me or how i feel when i care about someone... it's never as deep as that...

Tina, I left you hanging on here, you might not even be using this thing any more.
I had been writing a journal to Jessica so I stopped using this, but I want to use both! :(
Let's see, so far... not a lot has happend since such a long time ago.

I have adjusted to life on campus, and eventhough there is nothing to do, I don't HATE it anymore :)
I think I'm doing well in my classes *knock on wood* though I am starting to lose motivation.
I have three tests, a few quizes, then thanks giving break, then a week, then finals!!! Over thanksgiving break my mom has gotten tickets for Cirque De Sole!! I'm SOOO excited!!! :) I've been wanting to go for years! :) Time goes by so fast, and I feel like I'm not making the best of it, there is so much morethat i could be doing. Like spending time with friends and family, falling in love, etc. There is this one boy I might like, i kind of did while i was "going out" with Kevin (I say "going out" bc one fucking week does not mean you went out.) but I put it aside, we hang out sometimes, mostly to study, but idk... I'm hopeful, even if it never leads to anything. :)

Ah! I'm waiting outside the library right now, I have to study Biology all day bc i have a test on wednesday, the freaking library doesn't open till 1 pm on sundays lol, lame!!